Thursday 14th January 2016

 January 14th, 2016 was a tiring and emotional day for me. Many things happened that day, and I’ve been putting off writing this post for a while so I didn’t have to think about them too deeply. But I know I need to write this, for me more than anyone else.

I guess I’ll start from the beginning.

This was the day I had my first therapy session. I had been anticipating this day for a couple weeks and I had been panicking about it the entire time, so when the day came you could say I was a tad bit anxious.

Before my appointment my friend messaged me and told me Alan Rickman had died at the age of 69. Alan Rickman was one of those actors I had always wanted to meet, and not just because he played one of my favourite characters in Harry Potter. I wanted to meet him because of what I had heard about this personality. He seemed like an amazing person with a hilarious personality. So when I found out he had died I admit I did start to cry. I also thought of this quote from him I had heard ages ago, and that didn’t help…

Unfortunately, not long after I found out about that, a different friend messaged me and told me they just had a panic attack, so of course I had to help them with that. So I was pretty much giving my friend tips with what to do after a panic attack (and there are actually ways to help after a panic attack) while I was crying on and off.

Then it came time for my therapy appointment.

I was a big mess of emotions when it got around to it, so much so that I almost had a panic attack on the way to the appointment. Luckily I calmed down quite a lot by the time it got to the session, otherwise it would have have been a lot more draining.

My therapist is lovely and very straight to the point, which I definitely appreciate. We went through practically my entire life story, and I do admit I did cry at some points. She gave me hope that I can do things in the future I stopped believing were possible, such as go to university. In one session she helped me a lot.

Afterwards I was unbelievably drained in every possible way. I didn’t feel like talking to anyone because I just didn’t know what to say. My mind felt as if it was both entirely blank and yet filled with millions of thoughts. I was sad about the loss of a great actor. I was worried about my friend. I was hopeful about my future. I was tired beyond belief. I was scared because I have so far to go. Shutting down my brain wasn’t easy that night.

My next therapy session is tomorrow and I just pray I don’t cry again.